I used to be amazed at depressed people talking about heartbreaks with intense passion. It can’t be that bad, right? That person might used to be very important to you, but surely you can easily overcome the sadness and move on to the next part of your life? The whole affair appeared simple.

And with those ideas I entered my college. I was never very popular at the school, though I had plenty of chances. It was mostly due to my poor communication skills; for an outsider, I must have looked like a mild case of “Komi Can’t Communicate.” So, I wasn’t expecting much for my new college life. My low expectations served me right as the first year passed quickly; I was friendless.

In the second year, however, I suddenly found myself with a close friend. I can’t remember how it started; I probably must have initiated by challenging her for a game of chess, since I had zero idea about the kind of stuff “normal people” usually talk about. Soon we slowly, or maybe suddenly, started talking a lot on WhatsApp. (Sorry. I wasn’t very knowledgeable about XMPP at that time.) I have no memory of these chats. What in the world could we have been possibly be talking about?

At some point out of time, I suddenly found myself debating with her on abortion. She turned out to be an anti-abortionist. (Ugh.) Unfortunately, She eventually “won” the debate. I explained it away as a temporary disorder in the sequence of my logic, but the experience was pleasurable nevertheless. We started debating more, and we started playing online games. It was going good. (There were occasional fights, but it was mostly me acting hurt to gain her sympathy or make her feel bad. Not nice.)

A few weeks later the exam started. It wouldn’t have been a good idea to continue our daily conversations at that time, so we ceased it more or less for our preparations. This was too much for me. I lost my supply of dopamine; and in its absence I started compiling a history of our past conversations. (I have zero idea why I did that.) I later showed it to her, which was a bad idea. She didn’t say much, but her disapproval was evident. I must have seemed kind of creepy.

Well anyway, we continued doing our thing once exams were over. But something was amiss. Things were omitted. Suspicion. It felt like she was trying to push me away. My frustration suddenly bursted one day when we were talking about Astrology. She believed in horoscopes and stuff. (The youth, minus me, these days!) My anger boiled over. Then her anger boiled over. End.

Surely the fight was just a blip and not complete destruction of the relationship? Weeks passed. Nothing happened. Months. Nothing. I wasn’t able to make new friends. So in the free time I started going back to OpenStreetMap and chess. My adventure into chess failed, with me losing some 20 FIDE elo points (which, for people who are unaware, is a lot). I got bored of OpenStreetMap a few weeks ago. I have started watching romances and comedies in Anime, and I will get bored of that too. On the other hand, I have started paying more attention to my education; I want to go to Japan in future.

A weak attempt at reconciliation was made by both of us sometime ago, but it failed badly because it is impossible for 2 young adults to communicate there emotions freely.

Meanwhile, each day at the college is very painful. A single glance, nay, even a whisper still excites me enough to imagine her coming back to me. I still keep thinking of her in the college. The home is the only respite from this torment. I want to get away from this college. I hate it. Breakup, even with just a friend, does hurt a lot.

So, here I am, broken yet hopeful for the future. Why am I writing this now? I didn’t want to disturb the process of reconciliation then, if there was even a minute chance of that. And why am I writing this here? Because there’s no where else to write this.